I'm a "peacemaker.” I do not like heated conflict. I'm also compliant. What I've found in my life is that this has ultimately led me to resentments. And resentments affect me, because nothing gets resolved.
I just "stew" over the affront, without really taking any action to support my own self-worth and value. I've learned over the years that setting boundaries with others regarding the way I want to be treated in a relationship is important. It keeps me out of resentment with my loved ones, allows me to stay in relationships, and “own” my responsibility for teaching them how to behave toward me.
How Do Boundaries Work?
Well, I'm going to first suggest that setting boundaries is important for all relationships in your life. These include not only your home life, but also work life and social life. Taking the time to set boundaries means that I value myself and the contribution I make in others' lives.
I've suggested the following article by Brene Brown to several clients. I'm including the link here: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-set-boundaries-brene-browns-advice
How To Set Boundaries
There are basically three parts to setting boundaries:
1. Formulate the boundary - journal about what you want to see in others regarding the way they treat you. How does their behavior show that they value you? How does their behavior show that they blame, ridicule, and invalidate you?
2. Verbalize the boundary - once you've formulated your boundary, it's time to say it out loud. When stating a boundary, I use the suggestion that "Less is best." Make it clear and concise. Be assertive when you state it.
3. Enforce the boundary - these are the series of actions you will take when another's behavior toward you crosses the line. Know ahead of time how you will enforce your boundary, and the series of steps you will take to make sure you are respected and safe from another person's harmful words, emotions, and/or behavior.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
Does this sound like a lot of work? Yes. Why is it important? Because of this: You can live a lifetime of compliant behavior, full of resentment, angst, hurt, short-lived peace - only to start the whole cycle over and over again.
Wouldn't it be better to take the extra time now to learn a skill that will benefit you for the rest of your life? As you practice setting boundaries, it gets easier. Just as with learning any new skill, the more you practice, the more it will become a new "habit" in your life.
Setting Boundaries is Uncomfortable
A word about discomfort and fear. When you first start setting boundaries, it will feel uncomfortable. You may be "threatened" by a loved one because they want you to go back to your old "compliant" self.
You may also have fearful thoughts, "What if this happens? What if that happens? What if they leave me? “I don’t know if I can withstand their possible anger towards me." Don't let the fear of "What ifs" dictate what you will accomplish in life. Even in the midst of fear, you can take appropriate actions that aid in your self-growth. This is called "Courage."
Wishing everyone a wonderful end to the week. Do something this weekend that brings you joy!
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